"Back to school!"

It’s that time of year again, when kids shriek in terror and parents breathe sighs of relief. No, it’s not “Bring Your Daughter To Hunt” day, it’s September and school is back in session. As our teachers return to the fight, let’s take a minute to remember some of those oft-forgotten Back To School Tips.

• Supplies
  School supplies can be hard to come by, since the Security Council started rationing pens, paper and computer use. They say it’s to protect residents from hurting themselves, and I’ve no reason to doubt them. So, I recommend having students share their tools. Turning in Jimmy’s homework on one side of the paper and Jenny’s on the other seems like a fine solution. And, we all know that assignments are 80% though and 20% writing, so that means five students could share a single pen. And if it keeps us safe, as the Security Council insists these rations will do, then it’s worth the effort.
• Lunch
  School Lunches in Zombiewood Pines were cut last year, as many families will remember the Undead Lunch-Lady Rampage that left most of the fourth grade in shambles. Still, lunch is one of the most important meals of the day for our hard-working little men and women, keeping their bodies fueled for lessons in reading, writing and undead biology. I recommend cooking meals on Sunday that can be eaten throughout the week, and there’s nothing wrong with that pre-ZoPac standby, Peanut Butter and Jelly, just make sure the bread involved is 100% Whole Wheat and the peanuts are locally grown, as Outland Peanuts have been known to cause Zombosis.
• Bullets
  Your loved ones won’t forget their weapons for the walk to school – who could, when holsters are built into all Zombiewood Elementary Approved Book Bags – but don’t forget the bullets! I recommend a loaded clip in every weapon, with a second in their handbag and third in their locker, just in case. School is a dangerous place for catching the flu, chicken pox and Zombosis, and two of those can only be  cured by quick shooting and the right amount of ammunition. So, don’t skimp on the explosives.

With these tips, your little ones can enjoy another picture-perfect school year and you can expect great grades (above a B-average, as required by the Security Council).

Don't miss the Zombiewood Science Fair this weekend!

The Zombiewood Elementary Science Fair is this weekend. It’s a time for our youngsters to showcase some of their special skills, and teach us a little about what the next generation has in store. I participated in several Science Fairs in my youth, but the event had a slightly different tone in the pre-ZoPac Old America. While I made Baking Soda Volcanoes and Potato Batteries, I knew I wasn’t breaking new ground, but new ground wasn’t in vital need of being broken. Today, every scientific leap our residents make can take us one step closer to our ultimate goal: a cure for Zombosis.

Thus, this year’s Science Fair theme is the inspiring: “A World With Death,” and students were encouraged to pursue projects that explored it. Twenty-three Zombiewood youngsters entered the competition, with four finalists being chosen. The winner, who will be rewarded with an indeterminately long internship with the Security Council, will be announced this weekend at the Zombiewood Community Center. And, I encourage all residents to attend.

So, let’s take a look at the kids and the projects that made the short list this year.

Susie Alexander
Project: “Household Products Death Machine”
Taking a queue from the classic Volcanoes that decorated the Science Fairs of my youth (and with which I won the Saticoy Elementary Science Fair when I was eight, no doubt), Susie Alexander wanted to see what other exploding things she could make with household products. The result was her fascinating “Household Products Death Machine,” which utilizes a hose and a colander to disperse a mixture of Baking Soda, Corn Starch, Gasoline and other common solvents. The result is a sticky substance that is one part glue and another part napalm. Spray at a horde of speeding zombies and watch them disintegrate, while they cluster together for easy killing. Not bad for a seven year-old girl!

Jeffrey Miller
Project: “Zombie Brain Battery”
While some projects aimed to cure Zombosis, and others looked for ways to defend against it, Jeffrey was Zombiewood’s only student who tried to use it. Thus, the “Zombie Brain Battery,” a collection of wires and transistors that, when plugged into the newly shorn head of an undead, could power a television for a full 10 minutes! Not a lot of time, barely enough to watch a segment of “Zombiewood’s Most Wanted,” but he has found that older brains yield longer results and younger brains give stronger, yet shorter bursts. Visit his display for a demo, and, if you bring a zombie head of your own, he’ll plug it in for you! Could this be the future of electric cars in the Outlands? Or just a quick way to get a reading light while camping? Either way, I’m excited to see!

Louis Gustafson
Project:  ”Healing the Zombie Within”
You might know Louis through his father, Dr. Alan Gustafson, the therapist that all Zombiewood residents are required to visit, and be approved by, on a quarterly basis. So, it’s no surprise that Louis would take a psychological bent with his project, attempting to heal the full-blown undead with, what else, therapy. Through a series of private trials, Louis interviewed dozens of undead and attempted to get at the root of their anger. His goal: to figure out what makes the undead so destructive. His findings: the undead like to eat flesh and they’re hungry. His project includes video, collated data and over one-hundred hours of transcribed interviews, though most of them are just pages of groans and moans.

Tori Wheatley
Project: “The Cure for Zombosis”
After being named a finalist, Tori went on a family vacation and hasn’t been back to school in the last few days. The Security Council told me they are having a great trip, but do no know when she will be returning. Apparently, she took her project with her, because I haven’t seen it, beyond the name.

Poster released by the Security Council

There’s been a certain philosophical shift in the way residents look at Zombie killing, recently. While the Security Council continues to encourage residents to maintain a “Headshot is the Best Shot” methodology, certain residents have questioned this theory. The new talk, at parties and community gatherings is a sort of “Aim for the body and see what happens.”

I first ran into this discussion at Lenny Belkins 42nd Birthday Party, this May. Lenny, who at 42 is one of our oldest residents, survived ZoPac by travelling the country with a marauding team, making a living by exchanging zombie scalps with the New Government for 50-cents per scalp. Now, he teaches kindergarten at Zombiewood South. And, with one of the highest Kill Scores in town, I was surprised to hear Lenny tell me, “I don’t aim for the head anymore.”

He went on to make the case, thusly: “Headshots are for quick and dirty kills. They put zombies down and numbers on the board. But, zombosis is the plague of our time. Its outbreak destroyed the society that you and I grew up in, and has forced our children to grow up in this bizarre wasteland. So, when I extinguish an undead, I want them to know that. I want them to pay for it. So, personall, I aim for the legs. Cut ‘em down and let ‘em stumble around.”

Lenny says he tells his students this as well. And, due to their young age, teaches it to them as a rhyme. “When an undead comes near by, aim for knees and watch him cry. If the undead gets too close, aim for the head where it hurts the most.”

It’s a sentiment that I’ve heard more and more in the past two weeks, and has gotten prevalent enough that Security Liaison Col. Janeane Romero has decided to weigh in on the subject. She says, “While it’s understandable that residents would like to punish the zombies for our current predicament, doing so by dragging out their deaths is, simply, not practical. It’s dangerous and could lead to infection. Furthermore, we’re not even sure that zombies feel pain, so the entire engagement may be pointless.”

What does the Security Council recommend for residents looking to take out their pain on some helpless undead? “Starts a marauding team. Get some friends together, rent a jeep and head out into the Outlands for some target practice. It’s fun, good exercise and the New Government recently up’d the scalp reward to 75-cents.” Col. Romero also encourages residents to attend the Council’s Target Practice events where they set zombies free on the Zombiewood Golf Course’s Driving Range. It’s fun and a great way to let off steam.