In regards to the events of September 18th, I would like to apologize and extend my deepest regards for your losses. Though 34 children were lost in the zombie attack, we urge you not to remove your loved ones from our institution for two reasons: 1) the zombies were put down, as well as any children that were infected on the day in question, and 2) removing your children from Zombiewood Elementary would be in violation of the Zombiewood Pines Charter and require your eviction from the community.
We have traced the source of the attack to a teacher, one Jan Dennison, who had recently returned from the Security Council’s Top Secret Research Project. Though she did not appear infected upon arrival to school, [MESSAGE REDACTED] and the infection appeared to’ve lain dormant and manifested shortly after the kids were called to lunch. As you know, her rampage left 12 children dead and 14 infected, resulting in another 8 infections before Kelly Thompson, age 8, opened fire with a monogrammed shotgun (available now at Zombiewood Candles and Ammo).
In the ensuing days, our school was beset by dozens of phone calls about the safety of our institution and I assure you, we have taken action. From now on, all teachers will be tested for Zombosis before being allowed around students. And Hall Monitors have been given body armor and submachine guns for use during rounds.
In closing, I welcome you all back to class. We know we have put your faith in us in question and that will take time to earn back, but let me take this opportunity to insist: Stop calling.
Principal, Zombiewood Elementary